This years season change brings around some difficult and distressing memories for me for the first time ever, as Thursday 29th September marks the 1 year anniversary of my beautiful mum's passing.
Yes, I cannot quite believe it but it has almost been a whole year. I'm writing this post to keep myself busy to be totally honest, but also because I find it rather cathartic to pen down my feelings.
This past week my mind has been unwillingly reliving each day last year in the run up to the 29th. It has been incredibly upsetting and quite frankly annoying. I wish I could stop it but unfortunately I guess it is my mind's way of processing the event again. For anyone who is lucky enough to never have dealt with death this may sound strange, but I still feel as though a lot of the time I am in denial. Of course I have grown used to my mum not being around and I am fully aware that it happened.....heck I think about it every day....but I still can't quite believe it.
I have had a huge amount of ups and downs this year and still have days where I feel very depressed and lack any motivation whatsoever, however generally I can live my life. I get up, go to a shoot, work from home, laugh, chat, love and smile. I am aware on these days however that I can't allow myself to 'think'. I can't let my thoughts flood in because I have to carry on and get things done.
This is something you become very good at.....compartmentalising your feelings.
Some days when it is all too much, I allow myself to think and reminisce. Other times, when I'm trying to sleep and have to get up early or have to work, then I tell myself 'not today'. I put those memories to one side in order to cope. This can make me feel guilty too, but I have learnt that it is a healthy way of dealing with grief. It's nice to find out that you are normal at least!
My life will never be the same again, and this makes me incredibly sad. It pains me that she won't know about my life from now on and that I can't chat to her for advice or go shopping together.
I never pictured my life going this way and I don't want this to be part of my story. I would give anything for it to be different. However I am doing my absolute best to try to move forwards whilst still keeping her with me.
This has undoubtably been the hardest year of my life and I'm frightened that is has been that long already since I saw my best friend. What helps me is that despite all the heartache there have also been good times and good memories too. Some lovely holidays, days out and also the beginning of my new journey to create my own beauty brand. There will be hard days to come still, I am aware, but also hopefully exciting ones.
For anyone who may be going through a similar journey I want to say this.....you will survive and be able to carry on. Stay strong and allow yourself both the good and bad days. Keep smiling and don't be afraid to ask for help. You are never alone in this xx
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