Thursday 31 December 2015

My 2015

Where do I begin? 2015 has been a roller coaster of emotions for me. I actually quite hate that expression, but in this case, it is the one needed.
The year started with lots of highs but is now ending unfortunately on a heartbreaking low.

As some of my regular readers may know, my mum was diagnosed with secondary breast cancer in 2013 and I blogged about her treatment and how Revitalash helped her to keep her lashes during chemotherapy. We started the new year in January with great news that her cancer, which was un-curable but treatable, was stable still.

We were so positive for the year ahead and I was able to delve back into work, with her needing little practical support from me. I had the opportunity to work with some very talented people on some incredible shoots and work at London Fashion Week for another year which I loved.
I have travelled more than ever this year too, holidaying in Sharm El Sheikh, Paris and Cyprus with my boyfriend. Being our first full year together I think we did pretty well! These trips have left me with wonderful memories and have definitely been my highlights. Although when I was on my quad bike in the middle of the Egyptian desert, and somehow managed to crash into the only tree out there, I may not have agreed!

Unfortunately the months of July, August and September hold a bunch of much darker memories. My beautiful mummy had a regular CT scan which showed that her hormone tablet had stopped working and that the cancer was starting to spread again.
More chemotherapy was planned but sadly it kept having to be pushed back, as my mum kept becoming very anaemic so it wouldn't have been safe to fill her with deadly chemicals.
Each week there would be a hospital visit, still with the hope to getting her fit enough to continue treatment. But her blood counts were dropping fast even after many transfusions and then her platelets too. She even developed pneumonia which didn't help and she gradually got weaker and weaker.

On September 29th my worst nightmare came true and I lost my best friend.
Since then my life has been a blur of dumbness, anger and sadness.
I have lots of support from my family and friends, and I am trying desperately hard to work through each day and keep going. I know that my mum wanted me to be happy and get on with my life. She was my biggest fan and I want to do her proud. But it doesn't make it any easier.

I am writing this post today, in no way asking for sympathy, but to reflect and almost to help me get my thoughts out. It helps to talk, and type even.
I also have found that reading about other people's experiences with grief, and finding people who are currently in my situation is a big help. Knowing that you are not alone is so important.
So if anyone can take any comfort from myself, it would be worth it.

One thing that I have learnt this year is that life is short. Far too short. My lovely mum was only 56, but I wouldn't swap her for the world. In 2016 I want to:

 * Live life to the fullest, as much as I can.
 * Appreciate the small things everyday that make me smile
 * Nurture the relationships in my life. These are the most important things.
 * Help to raise awareness of breast cancer
 * Raise money for the incredible district nurses and hospices that do such an invaluable job
 * Make my mum proud and keep her alive everyday through myself
 * Start a business
 * Travel lots
 * Stop worrying about what others think

I hope that you all had a wonderful year and Christmas. If you are making any resolutions please make sure that you all appreciate your families more, take the time to visit and speak regularly throughout 2016. You never know when the option will be taken away.

For my mummy: I love and miss you so so much, but I will carry you with me throughout 2016 and every year after.

Lots of love, Jessica x

My mum and I back in happier times in early 2013






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